Truth

If you get a chance, try and find highlights of the Eurocup game between Turkey and Croatia. It is amazing. Something that was surely an experience to watch in a small town square with a city of Turks. Amazing.
So, most things I have been posting have been quite positive. I have purposely avoided posting anything negative. However this is supposed to be a somewhat realistic portrayal of my time here and it is not always ups. So there we go.
I cannot stay put. I realize this often. It takes about three or four weeks, then I get the urge to up and leave. I have never really understood why, but the more I live the more it seems that that is about the amount of time it takes me to make a mess of everything, and once all is a mess I want a way out; away from the reminders of my pathetic shortcomings, failures, and ineptitude. So my wanderlust kicks in.
I feel like a mess most of the time right now. My heart feels off. I cannot figure it out. I felt pulled apart, in several directions at once, now they all seem empty, dead ends. My quest here has been a desperate struggle to love. As we are commanded, to love God and love thy neighbor. But somewhere in there you have to learn to love yourself and I am a miserable case at that so often. I mess up, my heart wanders, and then I want nothing more than to give up, to quit, to run. And then I pick myself apart, finding so many faults it seems impossible that anything good could be in me at all. It is sad and more than a bit pathetic, as always.
I fear I suck at this. Trying to spread love and spread truth I don't understand, don't utilize or recognize. I make myself a hypocrite. I try, I do, but too often I find I have too little faith. I have not love. I find I am nothing, doing nothing, gaining nothing. And I know where I will end up on this circular road. Last night I had a desire to self-destruct in some form. I wanted to ruin something. My heart doesn't really know what it wants to do or where it wants to go. My head and my flesh tirelessly attempt to plot my destruction at every opportunity. My soul...my soul feels void, which is the overarching problem in all this.
Be thou my vision O Lord of my heart, naught be all else to me save that thou art. I desire this so much, this hymn which has become my constant prayer. Naught be all else to me save that thou art. Let all else mean nothing to me, become rubbish, so long as I know that God is. Save that thou art, that's all. Just that thou art. And God has made Himself known so much more than that. But if I knew nothing, save that thou art! Oh that is my desire. Be thou my vision, my wisdom, my true word. Lord save me from me, the sin within me, and the attacks that plague me. These present sufferings are nothing.
God has called me to here, so I long to serve with joy, thanksgiving, and above all, with love. Hope, faith, and love, these three remain. These three I want. And all else, let it be nothing.
If there is one silver lining it is this. More and more I come to recognize these things about myself. I see my desire to self-destruct and occasionally resist doing it. I am learning, inch by inch how to not be an idiot. Sometimes I fail, the end of the school year comes to mind as I somewhat destructed. But God is faithful. I know He is with me even when I am stupid. He loves me and cares for me. I know this, and more and more I feel it. And maybe I do suck at this. Maybe I suck at everything. But I think that, at the very least, since I am trying my best (although I am never sure if it is my best or not), I may not suck at trying, and that is something. If that makes sense, then good. If not, try reading it again :)
I love you all.
Until again.