Rythmic, Like A Beating Heart

I feel at a loss for words. Not words really, but meaningful words. And of course this may only apply to speaking as in my head and commiserating with the keyboard I seem to have no trouble putting out there what is in my head. So often I wonder if I am the only person who thinks the way I do or about the things that I do. I pray for the sake of everyone else that I really am, because the things that happen inside my head I wish on no one.
Quick aside, I went to a dive bar last night and saw a sweet band. It was great...didn't get to stay for the whole set which was admittedly not fun, but it was good and the smell of cigarettes and beer mixed with loud music and a glorious few moments of complete absence of thought was much needed and a great joy to find. Felt like being home. I think that if you would like to you could find out a lot about me by analyzing this. Feel free, I do it all them time, perhaps we'll compare notes at some point.
So these self-destructive tendencies keep coming back. I am nearly convinced now that I am never happy being happy, and that should things be trending there I must, by some complex, sad, and twisted necessity within me ruin them. Perhaps I prefer to validate my existence with feelings of mourning or simple self-pity....that's probably it. Like those odd times I think to myself "I haven't bled in a while, I wonder if I still remember how," and then debate the potential significance of that thought. But here I am again attempting to isolate myself from feeling, feeling much like I did not too long ago as I was on my last self-destructive tirade. I do not like this, of course, in fact I dare say I hate it, but I can't seem to help myself.
I have a new working theory on something I have thought about before. The sentence I resonate with which says "I hate the people who love me and they hate me." Reflecting on love so deeply for the last month I am wondering about this. The people I love, sometimes I feel contempt for them. Why? Is it that I do not truly love them? I am wondering in perhaps it is the opposite, that I love them too much. There are times where we must lay down our freedoms, the things we truly want, for the ones we love, to make them feel comfortable or ensure their conscience is clear. The problem with this, if you have the problems in life I do, is that I have very little faith in people. I assume the worst. So say someone knows I love them. Then if they ask something of me that they know I will do out of love for them, my first instinct feels like I am being used or manipulated. I know this is stupid, because those I love I assume also hold me in a position of, if not love, then at least general positive feeling, and so they probably would not knowingly do this. But this is how my mind works (again, I hope I am alone in this as it is simply a miserable mindset to have). And so I feel neglected at times, used, etc. And I want to be angry, so I am. But I cannot really be mad at those I love, because I love them. This is the thing I am finding, that I am never really mad at them. I feel and fear I project that anger onto myself, thus angering me at me. Or to put it another way "I hate myself for hating myself just enough to love you" (Thanks Lisa). Sad? Probably. Twisted? Most likely. Tory? Completely.
I am trying my best here, with only a short time left, to ensure my heart is in the right place. Thinking a lot about the passage in Romans where it says "everything that does not proceed from faith is sin," and wondering exactly how much of my day that entails. Today I fear that was a lot. Going forward hopefully will be better. I don't know. We'll see. I know only that I want to serve, wherever, however, the most good can be done, I can be used the most for His glory.
I wrote a new poem today. It is definitely a reflection of my current mood, which is to say it is not bright nor cheery. Perhaps at some point I will post it somewhere.
I guess some days it just feels like the walls are closing in and you can't breathe. You need to get up, get out, and lose yourself. I'm attempting to isolate myself, I feel it, at least on certain levels, with certain people even. I hate this about myself. Maybe I am just tired. Maybe it is just too friggen hot out. Maybe I really have been trying my damndest and feeling, whether right or wrong, that it isn't good enough.
But I will have faith. I will try to be rooted in love in all I do. If I have to serve (metaphorically) bloodied and battered, bruised and beaten, teary-eyed and heavy-hearted I will give it all I have in serving. In the end I think that is all I can do. Give my all even knowing that will never be enough, but giving it in faith and in love.
Goodnight.
Until again.
Tory.