I will be at home in one week from today (travel conditions willing). This thought is insane. I am scared. See, for a while I have been down, or something like down, and I was trying to figure out why. The answer is, as usual, people, and for a while I though I was simply sad that I was going to be going home and missing people. Sadly, I think the answer is more depressing and scary. I am afraid I am not going to miss anyone. I am afraid that the emotion I feel right now, that when I have been home for a day or a week that it will all fade. That the names and faces will evoke memory but no emotion. If this is the case then what does it matter. How can I ever trust my emotions? If this happens then what is there to show any of this happened or mattered? Then I take this to another level. If the emotions for the people aren't real, what if everything I've felt this whole time is nothing but a product of the environment. What if none of it is real? What if I go home and it is like the past seven weeks never happened? Next step farther, a bit more sad. I am afraid it will work in reverse. That when I say goodbye, when my plane takes off, I will not be missed, maybe not forgotten, but not really remembered. Relegated to, not quite oblivion, but something near enough to it to scare me. I have said before I would rather people hate me than forget me. That seems incredibly sad to me, but there it is.
So as I sit here with time winding down, praying that there was some significance to it all. Praying it mattered. Praying that deep down something truly has changed, that what I feel is real, that there is some validation to everything. I sit and try to think on something I heard in a movie and put it into practice. The movie is Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. The movie is about a man trying to forget a woman, and it tracks through his memories of her as they are being erased. As they get to the end, to the first memory, of when they met the memory begins with her saying "This is it. It's going to be gone soon. What do we do."
He responds "Enjoy it."
Not cling to it. Not worry about it. Not dwell on what we've lost or what could have been. But enjoy it. The here and now knowing it must end and not letting that ruin it. I just want to enjoy it.
We'll see.
Monday, July 7, 2008
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Be Satisfied.
From this point on I shoot without a script. See if anything comes of it.
I usually choose to keep my blog and my journal completely independent of one another but the other night I decided to go sit on the rocks and write and what turned out turned out to be something liked. So here it is:
Father, before time I was known and beloved, chosen for adoption through the blood of him who saves. In love I was knitted together within the womb. In sin and rebellion I came forth, with enmity your enemy. Still beloved I ran, distant I roamed, foolishly I resisted. Your grace turned my heart from the world, opened my eyes to you, and my need for more than stone and bone and flesh. Your grace came, irresistible, and called me home to you. You hammered out my imperfections in sweat and blood and tears. You tore my rotted heart out and replaced it with one that could once again beat, one that could love. Even as I forget, I grow restless, I wander off, you find me, carry me back to your flock in love. You hold me close and let me find rest. God, though the waves wash the rocks away I will stand firm on you who will not fade, will not be shaken. I will not be overwhelmed or ensnared, but I will seek you in all that I do, with all my life. I seek your ways, I seek your glory, that I may raise the banner high. Knowing I may surely perish but doing so willingly for the honor of the glory of Him who is my God and father as well as my Saviour. My hope and righteousness, my only peace. Lord, the world will pass, flesh will rot from our bones, and we will return to dust. But your glory, O God, is eternal.
Oh that my actions here, should oblivion take me the moment I leave the room, let me care not, but that my actions may echo in eternity for your glory, God let that be my aim, not to bring glory to me or to keep my memory alive, but Lord, to be sure everyone I meet remembers and knows you, whether I remain in their hearts or minds at all. God, let this take my heart. Change my heart to worry like this. Abandon all selfishness and self-seeking desires I have. But Lord, teach me to seek you, to love your word and your ways. Let all fears abandon me with your perfect love embracing me. Teach me to dwell and abide wholly in love and faith Lord, that all I do would be pure and glorifying, that I would never be able to contain your love for me and for all. God teach my lips to spread your word with my every action and every breath. God do not let me cling to anything but your grace. Let me forget names, places, and faces behind the glowing of your light. God, that you would be my most trusted and beloved companion. But Lord, teach me to love those you've blessed my life with. In thanks, let their presence bring me joy, but never be my source of it. Let their absence or abandonment or disappearance not shake me. God give me a heart like yours, to break for all those around me who are so lost. Father never let me grow stale or stagnant or apathetic. Lord let me be counted among the righteous who flourish like the mighty cedars of Lebanon, that are planted in your house, green, flourishing, and faithful to the end, declaring your name (Psalm 92). Father, take all of me and use it to serve you. Even unto death Lord, I am yours.
God, your glory shines around. The moon and stars arrive by night, crying out to show your glory and love. The waves sing hymns off the rocks as they crash, they raise a joyous tune in their ebb and flow. The wind sings through the trees, songs of your righteous deeds. The sunset illuminates the beauty of the God who came to save. The plants grow skyward, exalting you, raising their limbs to touch you. The sky spreads out over all creation showing the expanse of your glory and perfection. The lightning shines, illuminating your truth, the thunder rings echoes of your justice. Lord, the birds cry out for want of you. The creatures call out, proclaiming your provision. The ice crystallizes and reflects your glory. Fires rage, illuminating and burning with your passionate love for us. O God! Let me join in with creation to praise you! Lord in whatever way you desire let me fill it. Let my tears water your earth as my knees hit the floor. Let my blood be a testament to your sacrifice. Let my life join in with creation to bring you worship and praise. Father God, perfecter of love, God over all else, whom I love with all my heart, my whole life; Lord be glorified. In my life, be my life. Be glorified Lord. Every step, every breath, every beat of the heart, every instant, be glorified. Be glorified. This I beg. This I pray. Amen.
I usually choose to keep my blog and my journal completely independent of one another but the other night I decided to go sit on the rocks and write and what turned out turned out to be something liked. So here it is:
Father, before time I was known and beloved, chosen for adoption through the blood of him who saves. In love I was knitted together within the womb. In sin and rebellion I came forth, with enmity your enemy. Still beloved I ran, distant I roamed, foolishly I resisted. Your grace turned my heart from the world, opened my eyes to you, and my need for more than stone and bone and flesh. Your grace came, irresistible, and called me home to you. You hammered out my imperfections in sweat and blood and tears. You tore my rotted heart out and replaced it with one that could once again beat, one that could love. Even as I forget, I grow restless, I wander off, you find me, carry me back to your flock in love. You hold me close and let me find rest. God, though the waves wash the rocks away I will stand firm on you who will not fade, will not be shaken. I will not be overwhelmed or ensnared, but I will seek you in all that I do, with all my life. I seek your ways, I seek your glory, that I may raise the banner high. Knowing I may surely perish but doing so willingly for the honor of the glory of Him who is my God and father as well as my Saviour. My hope and righteousness, my only peace. Lord, the world will pass, flesh will rot from our bones, and we will return to dust. But your glory, O God, is eternal.
Oh that my actions here, should oblivion take me the moment I leave the room, let me care not, but that my actions may echo in eternity for your glory, God let that be my aim, not to bring glory to me or to keep my memory alive, but Lord, to be sure everyone I meet remembers and knows you, whether I remain in their hearts or minds at all. God, let this take my heart. Change my heart to worry like this. Abandon all selfishness and self-seeking desires I have. But Lord, teach me to seek you, to love your word and your ways. Let all fears abandon me with your perfect love embracing me. Teach me to dwell and abide wholly in love and faith Lord, that all I do would be pure and glorifying, that I would never be able to contain your love for me and for all. God teach my lips to spread your word with my every action and every breath. God do not let me cling to anything but your grace. Let me forget names, places, and faces behind the glowing of your light. God, that you would be my most trusted and beloved companion. But Lord, teach me to love those you've blessed my life with. In thanks, let their presence bring me joy, but never be my source of it. Let their absence or abandonment or disappearance not shake me. God give me a heart like yours, to break for all those around me who are so lost. Father never let me grow stale or stagnant or apathetic. Lord let me be counted among the righteous who flourish like the mighty cedars of Lebanon, that are planted in your house, green, flourishing, and faithful to the end, declaring your name (Psalm 92). Father, take all of me and use it to serve you. Even unto death Lord, I am yours.
God, your glory shines around. The moon and stars arrive by night, crying out to show your glory and love. The waves sing hymns off the rocks as they crash, they raise a joyous tune in their ebb and flow. The wind sings through the trees, songs of your righteous deeds. The sunset illuminates the beauty of the God who came to save. The plants grow skyward, exalting you, raising their limbs to touch you. The sky spreads out over all creation showing the expanse of your glory and perfection. The lightning shines, illuminating your truth, the thunder rings echoes of your justice. Lord, the birds cry out for want of you. The creatures call out, proclaiming your provision. The ice crystallizes and reflects your glory. Fires rage, illuminating and burning with your passionate love for us. O God! Let me join in with creation to praise you! Lord in whatever way you desire let me fill it. Let my tears water your earth as my knees hit the floor. Let my blood be a testament to your sacrifice. Let my life join in with creation to bring you worship and praise. Father God, perfecter of love, God over all else, whom I love with all my heart, my whole life; Lord be glorified. In my life, be my life. Be glorified Lord. Every step, every breath, every beat of the heart, every instant, be glorified. Be glorified. This I beg. This I pray. Amen.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
I Only Have One Week To Make You Mine
Things have been good, and by good I mean better, and by better I mean interesting and bordering on okay. That make sense?
In all honest things have been pretty good. The beginning to this week has been really good, very encouraging, and most important to me, my heart has been in a great place as I go out. Monday was probably the best day I have had on campus just in enthusiasm and love and overwhelming desire, and not surprisingly God used that. That has been really good. Personally things have been a mixed bag. I think I am figuring out that I hate the group. Individually I like everyone, in small groups there is no problem, but for some reason in a large gathering I just don't seem to be happy and get frustrated or bitter or something like that. I still want to leave, to go out and wander on my own. Perhaps I am just getting too attached. Who knows? Maybe I am just a big softie after all.
My new verse I am thinking on a lot is Colossians 3:12-14: "Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony."
So for those following along, the major theme on my heart this summer has been love, and really the importance of love above all things, and the reasons for it. This verse amazes me. As God's chosen we are told to have compassion, be kind, humble, meek, patient, and forgiving. Okay, when I look at this list it truly amazes me. These are big things. And yet we are told, ABOVE ALL THESE to put on love. Love is that big. And it isn't that the others don't matter. But love, perfect and true love, that is the only way we can have these things. You will not forgive without love. You will see no reason to be meek or humble if you do not have love. It binds everything together in perfect harmony. It is love. Something about that hits me really deep. I wonder if we can do anything at all out of some foreign emotion. Could I forgive simply out of obedience, because it is a command? Or must there be love? I am convinced that love is is the only thing that matters as far as motivation and action is concerned. But if we have love, then out of that an overflow will occur, and we will want to forgive, to be kind, to be humble, to lay down our rights and our lives for those around us, those we truly love. It is amazing, that love.
Okay, fun story for the day....I wore a traditional woman's headdress tonight for a long time. Yup. Can't wait til that picture makes Facebook.
Also, time is running out here. I am reminded of Ephesians telling us to make the best use of time because the days are evil. Now is crunch time. Prayer for us all, that we would keep running hard right up til the end would be appreciated. It would be far too easy to stop caring and trying and imagining being home. This is not what I want, so yeah, please be praying.
Goodnight all.
Until again.
In all honest things have been pretty good. The beginning to this week has been really good, very encouraging, and most important to me, my heart has been in a great place as I go out. Monday was probably the best day I have had on campus just in enthusiasm and love and overwhelming desire, and not surprisingly God used that. That has been really good. Personally things have been a mixed bag. I think I am figuring out that I hate the group. Individually I like everyone, in small groups there is no problem, but for some reason in a large gathering I just don't seem to be happy and get frustrated or bitter or something like that. I still want to leave, to go out and wander on my own. Perhaps I am just getting too attached. Who knows? Maybe I am just a big softie after all.
My new verse I am thinking on a lot is Colossians 3:12-14: "Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony."
So for those following along, the major theme on my heart this summer has been love, and really the importance of love above all things, and the reasons for it. This verse amazes me. As God's chosen we are told to have compassion, be kind, humble, meek, patient, and forgiving. Okay, when I look at this list it truly amazes me. These are big things. And yet we are told, ABOVE ALL THESE to put on love. Love is that big. And it isn't that the others don't matter. But love, perfect and true love, that is the only way we can have these things. You will not forgive without love. You will see no reason to be meek or humble if you do not have love. It binds everything together in perfect harmony. It is love. Something about that hits me really deep. I wonder if we can do anything at all out of some foreign emotion. Could I forgive simply out of obedience, because it is a command? Or must there be love? I am convinced that love is is the only thing that matters as far as motivation and action is concerned. But if we have love, then out of that an overflow will occur, and we will want to forgive, to be kind, to be humble, to lay down our rights and our lives for those around us, those we truly love. It is amazing, that love.
Okay, fun story for the day....I wore a traditional woman's headdress tonight for a long time. Yup. Can't wait til that picture makes Facebook.
Also, time is running out here. I am reminded of Ephesians telling us to make the best use of time because the days are evil. Now is crunch time. Prayer for us all, that we would keep running hard right up til the end would be appreciated. It would be far too easy to stop caring and trying and imagining being home. This is not what I want, so yeah, please be praying.
Goodnight all.
Until again.
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