I feel at a loss for words. Not words really, but meaningful words. And of course this may only apply to speaking as in my head and commiserating with the keyboard I seem to have no trouble putting out there what is in my head. So often I wonder if I am the only person who thinks the way I do or about the things that I do. I pray for the sake of everyone else that I really am, because the things that happen inside my head I wish on no one.
Quick aside, I went to a dive bar last night and saw a sweet band. It was great...didn't get to stay for the whole set which was admittedly not fun, but it was good and the smell of cigarettes and beer mixed with loud music and a glorious few moments of complete absence of thought was much needed and a great joy to find. Felt like being home. I think that if you would like to you could find out a lot about me by analyzing this. Feel free, I do it all them time, perhaps we'll compare notes at some point.
So these self-destructive tendencies keep coming back. I am nearly convinced now that I am never happy being happy, and that should things be trending there I must, by some complex, sad, and twisted necessity within me ruin them. Perhaps I prefer to validate my existence with feelings of mourning or simple self-pity....that's probably it. Like those odd times I think to myself "I haven't bled in a while, I wonder if I still remember how," and then debate the potential significance of that thought. But here I am again attempting to isolate myself from feeling, feeling much like I did not too long ago as I was on my last self-destructive tirade. I do not like this, of course, in fact I dare say I hate it, but I can't seem to help myself.
I have a new working theory on something I have thought about before. The sentence I resonate with which says "I hate the people who love me and they hate me." Reflecting on love so deeply for the last month I am wondering about this. The people I love, sometimes I feel contempt for them. Why? Is it that I do not truly love them? I am wondering in perhaps it is the opposite, that I love them too much. There are times where we must lay down our freedoms, the things we truly want, for the ones we love, to make them feel comfortable or ensure their conscience is clear. The problem with this, if you have the problems in life I do, is that I have very little faith in people. I assume the worst. So say someone knows I love them. Then if they ask something of me that they know I will do out of love for them, my first instinct feels like I am being used or manipulated. I know this is stupid, because those I love I assume also hold me in a position of, if not love, then at least general positive feeling, and so they probably would not knowingly do this. But this is how my mind works (again, I hope I am alone in this as it is simply a miserable mindset to have). And so I feel neglected at times, used, etc. And I want to be angry, so I am. But I cannot really be mad at those I love, because I love them. This is the thing I am finding, that I am never really mad at them. I feel and fear I project that anger onto myself, thus angering me at me. Or to put it another way "I hate myself for hating myself just enough to love you" (Thanks Lisa). Sad? Probably. Twisted? Most likely. Tory? Completely.
I am trying my best here, with only a short time left, to ensure my heart is in the right place. Thinking a lot about the passage in Romans where it says "everything that does not proceed from faith is sin," and wondering exactly how much of my day that entails. Today I fear that was a lot. Going forward hopefully will be better. I don't know. We'll see. I know only that I want to serve, wherever, however, the most good can be done, I can be used the most for His glory.
I wrote a new poem today. It is definitely a reflection of my current mood, which is to say it is not bright nor cheery. Perhaps at some point I will post it somewhere.
I guess some days it just feels like the walls are closing in and you can't breathe. You need to get up, get out, and lose yourself. I'm attempting to isolate myself, I feel it, at least on certain levels, with certain people even. I hate this about myself. Maybe I am just tired. Maybe it is just too friggen hot out. Maybe I really have been trying my damndest and feeling, whether right or wrong, that it isn't good enough.
But I will have faith. I will try to be rooted in love in all I do. If I have to serve (metaphorically) bloodied and battered, bruised and beaten, teary-eyed and heavy-hearted I will give it all I have in serving. In the end I think that is all I can do. Give my all even knowing that will never be enough, but giving it in faith and in love.
Goodnight.
Until again.
Tory.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Kids Next Door
So there is always a lot going on here. Turkey lost in the Euro Cup which was quite sad. They made a hell of a run though that I do not think anyone saw coming, and seeing as they are a young team it should be interesting going forward to see how they do in the World Cup in two years.
So things have been going a bit better, in an up and down sort of sense. I am learning a ton being here, whether it is about myself, and my heart, my ability to love, any sort of long-term calling, all of this, or whether it is something as simple as discovering I am capable of eating things I never thought I would (Like Turkish ravioli covered in yogurt and garlic sauce). But whatever is going on I know this is exactly where I was meant to be and I am learning exactly what God needs to teach me at this moment for moving forward.
Things have been tough, as I have outlined here before. The whole numbers and statistics thing is still difficult. We have been meeting with a lot of resistance lately, and that has been tough as days seem less productive, like there is very little coming from it. I know this is not true, at the very least I know it is us being faithful and doing what we are called to, so that is encouraging. But it is still hard. This is such a different thing than Indy CC or PCB which I am used to. This is intense labor that may not always end the way we would like. So this has been a challenge.
There are a few bright lights in this. Two friends I have met thus far, who we will call Tony and Herman though those very probably are not their real names. But pray for them all the same. They are the two people I have met here who I feel I have really connected with. We continue to see them and hang out, and I know I have no problems loving them, as I feel very strongly for them. I also sense that there is something being worked in their hearts. Please continue to be praying for them that they would be opened to the fullness of the truth. Reflecting today I thought of them and realized that if the only reason I have been here, faced struggles and pains, all that- if the only reason I came was to plant or water those seeds that would be more than enough. I know my heart is not perfect in love by any stretch of the imagination. But I know that I love these men and enjoy them and want to continue building relationships and friendships with them.
We are heading down to the wire. Two weeks left. Crazy. We are at a point now where we are more focusing on continuing relationships than building new ones. This is odd for me as I have only really connected with a few people. But at the same time this is the part I am most excited about. I feel that this is where the love will come in full. That this is where my heart needs to be.
One last prayer request to all you out there who still check this, and that is that I would no longer be divided. My heart may be tricking me on certain grounds. I am cautious to say the least but growing less so every day. And of course as my heart drifts between here and there and anywhere else my mind is prone to fall off track as well. This has made for some stress I would much rather live without. But what matters most is that I simply put all my focus back to God. To pour all I have into Him and let Him take care of all the rest. I have written before about being a poor kid with only a few fish, wanting to do some good. And how the only thing worth doing is to give it to Jesus and let Him work a miracle. This is what I need to remember and do again every day as I open my eyes. I am bad at this. I might be foolish enough to think I can somehow, on my own, make several fish stretch out forever. I cannot do this. Jesus can. If I would remember this it would be much better, so prayer on that would be sweet.
I miss you all.
Until again.
Tory
So things have been going a bit better, in an up and down sort of sense. I am learning a ton being here, whether it is about myself, and my heart, my ability to love, any sort of long-term calling, all of this, or whether it is something as simple as discovering I am capable of eating things I never thought I would (Like Turkish ravioli covered in yogurt and garlic sauce). But whatever is going on I know this is exactly where I was meant to be and I am learning exactly what God needs to teach me at this moment for moving forward.
Things have been tough, as I have outlined here before. The whole numbers and statistics thing is still difficult. We have been meeting with a lot of resistance lately, and that has been tough as days seem less productive, like there is very little coming from it. I know this is not true, at the very least I know it is us being faithful and doing what we are called to, so that is encouraging. But it is still hard. This is such a different thing than Indy CC or PCB which I am used to. This is intense labor that may not always end the way we would like. So this has been a challenge.
There are a few bright lights in this. Two friends I have met thus far, who we will call Tony and Herman though those very probably are not their real names. But pray for them all the same. They are the two people I have met here who I feel I have really connected with. We continue to see them and hang out, and I know I have no problems loving them, as I feel very strongly for them. I also sense that there is something being worked in their hearts. Please continue to be praying for them that they would be opened to the fullness of the truth. Reflecting today I thought of them and realized that if the only reason I have been here, faced struggles and pains, all that- if the only reason I came was to plant or water those seeds that would be more than enough. I know my heart is not perfect in love by any stretch of the imagination. But I know that I love these men and enjoy them and want to continue building relationships and friendships with them.
We are heading down to the wire. Two weeks left. Crazy. We are at a point now where we are more focusing on continuing relationships than building new ones. This is odd for me as I have only really connected with a few people. But at the same time this is the part I am most excited about. I feel that this is where the love will come in full. That this is where my heart needs to be.
One last prayer request to all you out there who still check this, and that is that I would no longer be divided. My heart may be tricking me on certain grounds. I am cautious to say the least but growing less so every day. And of course as my heart drifts between here and there and anywhere else my mind is prone to fall off track as well. This has made for some stress I would much rather live without. But what matters most is that I simply put all my focus back to God. To pour all I have into Him and let Him take care of all the rest. I have written before about being a poor kid with only a few fish, wanting to do some good. And how the only thing worth doing is to give it to Jesus and let Him work a miracle. This is what I need to remember and do again every day as I open my eyes. I am bad at this. I might be foolish enough to think I can somehow, on my own, make several fish stretch out forever. I cannot do this. Jesus can. If I would remember this it would be much better, so prayer on that would be sweet.
I miss you all.
Until again.
Tory
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Truth
If you get a chance, try and find highlights of the Eurocup game between Turkey and Croatia. It is amazing. Something that was surely an experience to watch in a small town square with a city of Turks. Amazing.
So, most things I have been posting have been quite positive. I have purposely avoided posting anything negative. However this is supposed to be a somewhat realistic portrayal of my time here and it is not always ups. So there we go.
I cannot stay put. I realize this often. It takes about three or four weeks, then I get the urge to up and leave. I have never really understood why, but the more I live the more it seems that that is about the amount of time it takes me to make a mess of everything, and once all is a mess I want a way out; away from the reminders of my pathetic shortcomings, failures, and ineptitude. So my wanderlust kicks in.
I feel like a mess most of the time right now. My heart feels off. I cannot figure it out. I felt pulled apart, in several directions at once, now they all seem empty, dead ends. My quest here has been a desperate struggle to love. As we are commanded, to love God and love thy neighbor. But somewhere in there you have to learn to love yourself and I am a miserable case at that so often. I mess up, my heart wanders, and then I want nothing more than to give up, to quit, to run. And then I pick myself apart, finding so many faults it seems impossible that anything good could be in me at all. It is sad and more than a bit pathetic, as always.
I fear I suck at this. Trying to spread love and spread truth I don't understand, don't utilize or recognize. I make myself a hypocrite. I try, I do, but too often I find I have too little faith. I have not love. I find I am nothing, doing nothing, gaining nothing. And I know where I will end up on this circular road. Last night I had a desire to self-destruct in some form. I wanted to ruin something. My heart doesn't really know what it wants to do or where it wants to go. My head and my flesh tirelessly attempt to plot my destruction at every opportunity. My soul...my soul feels void, which is the overarching problem in all this.
Be thou my vision O Lord of my heart, naught be all else to me save that thou art. I desire this so much, this hymn which has become my constant prayer. Naught be all else to me save that thou art. Let all else mean nothing to me, become rubbish, so long as I know that God is. Save that thou art, that's all. Just that thou art. And God has made Himself known so much more than that. But if I knew nothing, save that thou art! Oh that is my desire. Be thou my vision, my wisdom, my true word. Lord save me from me, the sin within me, and the attacks that plague me. These present sufferings are nothing.
God has called me to here, so I long to serve with joy, thanksgiving, and above all, with love. Hope, faith, and love, these three remain. These three I want. And all else, let it be nothing.
If there is one silver lining it is this. More and more I come to recognize these things about myself. I see my desire to self-destruct and occasionally resist doing it. I am learning, inch by inch how to not be an idiot. Sometimes I fail, the end of the school year comes to mind as I somewhat destructed. But God is faithful. I know He is with me even when I am stupid. He loves me and cares for me. I know this, and more and more I feel it. And maybe I do suck at this. Maybe I suck at everything. But I think that, at the very least, since I am trying my best (although I am never sure if it is my best or not), I may not suck at trying, and that is something. If that makes sense, then good. If not, try reading it again :)
I love you all.
Until again.
So, most things I have been posting have been quite positive. I have purposely avoided posting anything negative. However this is supposed to be a somewhat realistic portrayal of my time here and it is not always ups. So there we go.
I cannot stay put. I realize this often. It takes about three or four weeks, then I get the urge to up and leave. I have never really understood why, but the more I live the more it seems that that is about the amount of time it takes me to make a mess of everything, and once all is a mess I want a way out; away from the reminders of my pathetic shortcomings, failures, and ineptitude. So my wanderlust kicks in.
I feel like a mess most of the time right now. My heart feels off. I cannot figure it out. I felt pulled apart, in several directions at once, now they all seem empty, dead ends. My quest here has been a desperate struggle to love. As we are commanded, to love God and love thy neighbor. But somewhere in there you have to learn to love yourself and I am a miserable case at that so often. I mess up, my heart wanders, and then I want nothing more than to give up, to quit, to run. And then I pick myself apart, finding so many faults it seems impossible that anything good could be in me at all. It is sad and more than a bit pathetic, as always.
I fear I suck at this. Trying to spread love and spread truth I don't understand, don't utilize or recognize. I make myself a hypocrite. I try, I do, but too often I find I have too little faith. I have not love. I find I am nothing, doing nothing, gaining nothing. And I know where I will end up on this circular road. Last night I had a desire to self-destruct in some form. I wanted to ruin something. My heart doesn't really know what it wants to do or where it wants to go. My head and my flesh tirelessly attempt to plot my destruction at every opportunity. My soul...my soul feels void, which is the overarching problem in all this.
Be thou my vision O Lord of my heart, naught be all else to me save that thou art. I desire this so much, this hymn which has become my constant prayer. Naught be all else to me save that thou art. Let all else mean nothing to me, become rubbish, so long as I know that God is. Save that thou art, that's all. Just that thou art. And God has made Himself known so much more than that. But if I knew nothing, save that thou art! Oh that is my desire. Be thou my vision, my wisdom, my true word. Lord save me from me, the sin within me, and the attacks that plague me. These present sufferings are nothing.
God has called me to here, so I long to serve with joy, thanksgiving, and above all, with love. Hope, faith, and love, these three remain. These three I want. And all else, let it be nothing.
If there is one silver lining it is this. More and more I come to recognize these things about myself. I see my desire to self-destruct and occasionally resist doing it. I am learning, inch by inch how to not be an idiot. Sometimes I fail, the end of the school year comes to mind as I somewhat destructed. But God is faithful. I know He is with me even when I am stupid. He loves me and cares for me. I know this, and more and more I feel it. And maybe I do suck at this. Maybe I suck at everything. But I think that, at the very least, since I am trying my best (although I am never sure if it is my best or not), I may not suck at trying, and that is something. If that makes sense, then good. If not, try reading it again :)
I love you all.
Until again.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Some
I don't know if any of y'all follow soccer. But it is Euro Cup time in Europe. Turkey is in and last weekend they had an incredible win over Czech Republic, scoring 3 goals in something like 16 minutes. Now they are in the quarterfinals. But you have never seen such joy. People were in the streets honking and chanting for hours. It was amazing. Here's hoping they can beat Croatia.
"For though I am free from all, I have made myself a servant to all, that I might win more of them....I have become all things to all people, that by all means I might save some." 1 Corinthians 9: 19-22
I shortened that due to time constraints. But I love those verses. Especially here, especially now. "I have become all things to all people, that by all means I might save SOME." Save some. I once heard a story of a man who spent something like 60 years in the far east. In that time he saw one person come to Christ. He said he would do it again, for the one man. When I heard that story it stirred something in my heart. I want to be like that. I want my heart to be like that. I want to become all things to all people, becoming a servant to all, that by doing so, by becoming a servant, some might be saved. Not everyone. I would love it if that were the case, don't get me wrong, that would be amazing, but of course that is not going to be the case. We are spreading the fragrance of Christ, and that smells of death to some.
Patience has never been my strong suit. When we continue to work and see no fruit or very little it gets frustrating. There is the parable of the seed sower, he went out and threw seed everywhere. It feels like here there are only rocks and thorns. Sure, we have taken the first step, we went out and threw, but nothing seems to happen. In the words of Tom Petty "Some times I get down to the end of the day and stop, ask myself why I done it. You know it just seems so empty to have to work so hard and nothing ever really seems to come from it." But of course I know this is not the case. It is not empty and it is not fruitless. Romans says "For everyone who calls upon the name of the Lord will be saved. But how are they to call on him in whom they have not believed? And how are they to believe in him of whom they have not never heard? And how are they to hear without someone preaching?" And that is all it is. As Paul says in 1 Corinthians: "For Christ did not send me to baptize but to preach the gospel, and not with words of eloquent wisdom, lest the cross be emptied of its power."
Perhaps this is one reason I am feeling the way I feel at times. Emptying the cross of its power by trying to find some eloquent words.
It is hard for me because so often what I am doing, at the end of the day, is reduced to statistics and probabilities. The rationale behind this has been explained to me, and I see some validity in it, but when I stop and think I realize how hard it is to love a number or a percentage. While my heart desires to do nothing without love it feels as though love is becoming harder and harder to come by as so many days pass of throwing seed into what seems like thorns and rocks. But I am here, and that is what matters I think. Seed being scattered, if that is my only role in all of this then that is enough. I, when I was deciding to come here, prayed to God and told Him I would gladly toil in anonymity if that was where I would best be used. So if I never see fruit or harvest time, if every day for the next 4 weeks is scattering seed and moving on, waiting and praying for the power of the cross to sprout something, waiting for that aroma to smell of life to someone, if that is my calling then so be it.
I am learning more and more that I have no control. That is evident in a very practical sense when I am in a culture I do not know, a place I do not know, with a language I do not speak. It humbles me and makes me recognize that so often I like to know everything, to find comfort in that. But God is still a mystery. His plans, they are hidden from my eyes, and I am thankful for that. All I can do is lean on him and know He is good.
Until again.
-Tory
"For though I am free from all, I have made myself a servant to all, that I might win more of them....I have become all things to all people, that by all means I might save some." 1 Corinthians 9: 19-22
I shortened that due to time constraints. But I love those verses. Especially here, especially now. "I have become all things to all people, that by all means I might save SOME." Save some. I once heard a story of a man who spent something like 60 years in the far east. In that time he saw one person come to Christ. He said he would do it again, for the one man. When I heard that story it stirred something in my heart. I want to be like that. I want my heart to be like that. I want to become all things to all people, becoming a servant to all, that by doing so, by becoming a servant, some might be saved. Not everyone. I would love it if that were the case, don't get me wrong, that would be amazing, but of course that is not going to be the case. We are spreading the fragrance of Christ, and that smells of death to some.
Patience has never been my strong suit. When we continue to work and see no fruit or very little it gets frustrating. There is the parable of the seed sower, he went out and threw seed everywhere. It feels like here there are only rocks and thorns. Sure, we have taken the first step, we went out and threw, but nothing seems to happen. In the words of Tom Petty "Some times I get down to the end of the day and stop, ask myself why I done it. You know it just seems so empty to have to work so hard and nothing ever really seems to come from it." But of course I know this is not the case. It is not empty and it is not fruitless. Romans says "For everyone who calls upon the name of the Lord will be saved. But how are they to call on him in whom they have not believed? And how are they to believe in him of whom they have not never heard? And how are they to hear without someone preaching?" And that is all it is. As Paul says in 1 Corinthians: "For Christ did not send me to baptize but to preach the gospel, and not with words of eloquent wisdom, lest the cross be emptied of its power."
Perhaps this is one reason I am feeling the way I feel at times. Emptying the cross of its power by trying to find some eloquent words.
It is hard for me because so often what I am doing, at the end of the day, is reduced to statistics and probabilities. The rationale behind this has been explained to me, and I see some validity in it, but when I stop and think I realize how hard it is to love a number or a percentage. While my heart desires to do nothing without love it feels as though love is becoming harder and harder to come by as so many days pass of throwing seed into what seems like thorns and rocks. But I am here, and that is what matters I think. Seed being scattered, if that is my only role in all of this then that is enough. I, when I was deciding to come here, prayed to God and told Him I would gladly toil in anonymity if that was where I would best be used. So if I never see fruit or harvest time, if every day for the next 4 weeks is scattering seed and moving on, waiting and praying for the power of the cross to sprout something, waiting for that aroma to smell of life to someone, if that is my calling then so be it.
I am learning more and more that I have no control. That is evident in a very practical sense when I am in a culture I do not know, a place I do not know, with a language I do not speak. It humbles me and makes me recognize that so often I like to know everything, to find comfort in that. But God is still a mystery. His plans, they are hidden from my eyes, and I am thankful for that. All I can do is lean on him and know He is good.
Until again.
-Tory
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Mourn
Today we went to the Turkish Bath. Now if anyone asks me if I have ever been manhandled by a large Turkish man, I can honestly say that I have. On that note....
I have been terrible talking about anything God has been teaching me. That is not to say He has not been teaching me things, but perhaps they are just slightly less tangible than would lend themselves to be easy material to write about. At least this is my present excuse.
But God has completely been impressing it on my heart to love more. I touched on this a bit in an earlier post, but love has become the central theme of my summer.
"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove a mountain, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing." (1 Corinthians 13:1-3).
This is the verse that is hounding my thoughts every minute of the day as I am here. It is a theme that digs itself into the very core of me. Look at that verse. If I have not love, then it doesn't matter what I do, all gifts apart from love are nothing. All actions apart from love gain nothing. I so desire to be more than a clanging gong and a noisy cymbal. I desire faith that moves mountain, but I recognize that even if I had that faith, but had not love, then I AM NOTHING. If I were to give my life up for what I believe, what I am living for, but have not love, then it accomplishes nothing, I gain nothing.
This is hard for me because it is difficult for me to love. I can love to some extent, sure, but in the very deepest part I am oftentimes more motivated by devotion or obligation than love. I could do all manners of miracles, see millions believe, but if I do not have love then it is nothing.
God loves us so deeply, it is written in every inch of creation throughout all of history. His patience, His grace, His provision, all of it spells out so clearly the love He has for us. Yet I do not love with a heart like that. I want to.
I love God, and therefore I am doing things He commands. But I do not think that is good enough. I want to love him wholly, with such passion that my heart beats in tune with His. That my heart would break at what breaks His. That when I look around I would see the world and all those in it exactly as He does and with such love that I cannot contain it. I want to know that love more in my life so that I am filled to the point of bursting and then overflow with that love towards all the people around me.
I do not want to be a clanging cymbal, making noise of no consequence or impact. I want a heart that breaks, and that scares me a bit because that heart is going to know pain. Sometimes I pray for brokenness. Then God answers and while I am broken I can't imagine why I ever would have asked for this. I get upset. In the end He puts me back together, but to ask for brokenness is hard because it involves being broken. To ask for a heart in tune with God's, a heart that breaks for the world, that is terrifying. Because I know He will answer if I ask out of sincere love. And I know if He gives it to me then my heart will be breaking and that is not pleasant. But I also know that more than anything I want to learn to love, better and more fully.
If you would be praying for me, that I might learn to love more like Christ, I would greatly appreciate that.
If I have not love, I gain nothing.
If I have not love, I AM NOTHING.
God, teach me to love like you.
I have been terrible talking about anything God has been teaching me. That is not to say He has not been teaching me things, but perhaps they are just slightly less tangible than would lend themselves to be easy material to write about. At least this is my present excuse.
But God has completely been impressing it on my heart to love more. I touched on this a bit in an earlier post, but love has become the central theme of my summer.
"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove a mountain, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing." (1 Corinthians 13:1-3).
This is the verse that is hounding my thoughts every minute of the day as I am here. It is a theme that digs itself into the very core of me. Look at that verse. If I have not love, then it doesn't matter what I do, all gifts apart from love are nothing. All actions apart from love gain nothing. I so desire to be more than a clanging gong and a noisy cymbal. I desire faith that moves mountain, but I recognize that even if I had that faith, but had not love, then I AM NOTHING. If I were to give my life up for what I believe, what I am living for, but have not love, then it accomplishes nothing, I gain nothing.
This is hard for me because it is difficult for me to love. I can love to some extent, sure, but in the very deepest part I am oftentimes more motivated by devotion or obligation than love. I could do all manners of miracles, see millions believe, but if I do not have love then it is nothing.
God loves us so deeply, it is written in every inch of creation throughout all of history. His patience, His grace, His provision, all of it spells out so clearly the love He has for us. Yet I do not love with a heart like that. I want to.
I love God, and therefore I am doing things He commands. But I do not think that is good enough. I want to love him wholly, with such passion that my heart beats in tune with His. That my heart would break at what breaks His. That when I look around I would see the world and all those in it exactly as He does and with such love that I cannot contain it. I want to know that love more in my life so that I am filled to the point of bursting and then overflow with that love towards all the people around me.
I do not want to be a clanging cymbal, making noise of no consequence or impact. I want a heart that breaks, and that scares me a bit because that heart is going to know pain. Sometimes I pray for brokenness. Then God answers and while I am broken I can't imagine why I ever would have asked for this. I get upset. In the end He puts me back together, but to ask for brokenness is hard because it involves being broken. To ask for a heart in tune with God's, a heart that breaks for the world, that is terrifying. Because I know He will answer if I ask out of sincere love. And I know if He gives it to me then my heart will be breaking and that is not pleasant. But I also know that more than anything I want to learn to love, better and more fully.
If you would be praying for me, that I might learn to love more like Christ, I would greatly appreciate that.
If I have not love, I gain nothing.
If I have not love, I AM NOTHING.
God, teach me to love like you.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Alpha Male
A few nights back we took a walk. Now, I need to explain one thing. I love dogs. To somewhat of an odd degree in that sometimes I care more about dogs than people. There are strays all over this city. It makes me sad. During this walk we petted a stray dog. She was very cute. I named her Pooh, after Winnie-the....she was yellow, if that helps. Anyways, this dog had friends. They came out once they saw us being nice to their friend. We were nice to them. Then they followed us. All the way to the apartments several blocks away. So there we were walking through the streets of Istanbul with a pack of dogs. My goal now is to try and become alpha male for all of Istanbul's stray dogs. Then wherever I go I would have a group of dogs with me at all time. This is my new dream.
So last night a few of us decided to go exploring, and by exploring I mean wandering, and by wandering I mean getting lost. Not really lost though, because I knew the general direction we needed to go. But we were a little lost. It was fun, wandering through Istanbul by night.
I will be back soon with some thoughts on the verses I mentioned last time, but right now I am too tired to make sense, as you may have noticed. I will then attempt to follow the rabbit hole farther down and see where I end up.
Until again,
Tory.
So last night a few of us decided to go exploring, and by exploring I mean wandering, and by wandering I mean getting lost. Not really lost though, because I knew the general direction we needed to go. But we were a little lost. It was fun, wandering through Istanbul by night.
I will be back soon with some thoughts on the verses I mentioned last time, but right now I am too tired to make sense, as you may have noticed. I will then attempt to follow the rabbit hole farther down and see where I end up.
Until again,
Tory.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
A Million Points of Light
I am dead tired. See, we cannot watch the Red Wings play here, since no bar broadcasts it, not to mention the games start at 3 am local time. None of this stops us from trying. Jeff, one of the stint guys, is a big Wings fan. So on his computer, every game night, we listen to the game live....at 3am. For those not following, last night's game went into 3ot. This meant I crawled back into bed, saddened from our loss, at around 7am. 2 hours later I was up and on my way. Not the best idea as far as rest is concerned. But loyalty demands it. 34.3 seconds from the Stanley Cup!!!!!!! Oh well. Now we get to be up again Thursday night. Think of me as you watch the game and know somewhere I am fighting to stay awake to watch as well.
A few nights back we took a trip to the top of a large hill on the Asia side of Istanbul. Once on top we were able to look out over part of the city (It was an awful lot to only be a part, but really, the city is huge). It was amazing. So beautiful. I do not think I can fully explain it. I took pictures but I am not sure they will do it justice. This place is amazing. It is gigantic. It is alive .
Sunday we went to an international church in the city. That was a fun experience. It was weird to overhear conversations around me and understand them. English is sounding somewhat foreign to me already, so I imagine by time I get back it will take some time to adjust. But there is a certain peace to it as well. It is easier to let it become background noise when you don't understand it. Then I can just focus on what is around, and what is around is generally worth noticing.
Last night I spent a few hours by the river as the sun was setting over top the city. What a sight. It was inspiring. I wrote a bit and then just sat there trying to take it all in. City life agrees with me on some level. If I could understand the language here I might not go back. Everything about it just seems so great. Again, a lot of this is hard to explain, especially on so little sleep.
We have spent our first two days on campus. That has been an adventure. We got a tour the first day from a student, which was quite nice and very helpful as today, our second day on campus, we had to go back without stinters. This seemed a lot scarier than it turned out actually. But I am looking forward to spending more time on the campuses here, as the one I have visited so far is quite beautiful.
My main theme this week, the thing really on my heart is 1 Corinthians 13:1-3. Love. If we do all manners of great things, but have not love, then we have nothing, we gain nothing, we are nothing. I am constantly checking my heart, searching to see if I am acting in love or if I am acting out of some obligation or some other force. Because I am fearing that I do not love as much as I should, and therefore I fear that many things that flow from that essentially are nothing.
But that is all for now. I think it is supper time. Tomorrow is our day off so hopefully there will be some grand adventure to talk about.
Until again.
-Tory
A few nights back we took a trip to the top of a large hill on the Asia side of Istanbul. Once on top we were able to look out over part of the city (It was an awful lot to only be a part, but really, the city is huge). It was amazing. So beautiful. I do not think I can fully explain it. I took pictures but I am not sure they will do it justice. This place is amazing. It is gigantic. It is alive .
Sunday we went to an international church in the city. That was a fun experience. It was weird to overhear conversations around me and understand them. English is sounding somewhat foreign to me already, so I imagine by time I get back it will take some time to adjust. But there is a certain peace to it as well. It is easier to let it become background noise when you don't understand it. Then I can just focus on what is around, and what is around is generally worth noticing.
Last night I spent a few hours by the river as the sun was setting over top the city. What a sight. It was inspiring. I wrote a bit and then just sat there trying to take it all in. City life agrees with me on some level. If I could understand the language here I might not go back. Everything about it just seems so great. Again, a lot of this is hard to explain, especially on so little sleep.
We have spent our first two days on campus. That has been an adventure. We got a tour the first day from a student, which was quite nice and very helpful as today, our second day on campus, we had to go back without stinters. This seemed a lot scarier than it turned out actually. But I am looking forward to spending more time on the campuses here, as the one I have visited so far is quite beautiful.
My main theme this week, the thing really on my heart is 1 Corinthians 13:1-3. Love. If we do all manners of great things, but have not love, then we have nothing, we gain nothing, we are nothing. I am constantly checking my heart, searching to see if I am acting in love or if I am acting out of some obligation or some other force. Because I am fearing that I do not love as much as I should, and therefore I fear that many things that flow from that essentially are nothing.
But that is all for now. I think it is supper time. Tomorrow is our day off so hopefully there will be some grand adventure to talk about.
Until again.
-Tory
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