I will be at home in one week from today (travel conditions willing). This thought is insane. I am scared. See, for a while I have been down, or something like down, and I was trying to figure out why. The answer is, as usual, people, and for a while I though I was simply sad that I was going to be going home and missing people. Sadly, I think the answer is more depressing and scary. I am afraid I am not going to miss anyone. I am afraid that the emotion I feel right now, that when I have been home for a day or a week that it will all fade. That the names and faces will evoke memory but no emotion. If this is the case then what does it matter. How can I ever trust my emotions? If this happens then what is there to show any of this happened or mattered? Then I take this to another level. If the emotions for the people aren't real, what if everything I've felt this whole time is nothing but a product of the environment. What if none of it is real? What if I go home and it is like the past seven weeks never happened? Next step farther, a bit more sad. I am afraid it will work in reverse. That when I say goodbye, when my plane takes off, I will not be missed, maybe not forgotten, but not really remembered. Relegated to, not quite oblivion, but something near enough to it to scare me. I have said before I would rather people hate me than forget me. That seems incredibly sad to me, but there it is.
So as I sit here with time winding down, praying that there was some significance to it all. Praying it mattered. Praying that deep down something truly has changed, that what I feel is real, that there is some validation to everything. I sit and try to think on something I heard in a movie and put it into practice. The movie is Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. The movie is about a man trying to forget a woman, and it tracks through his memories of her as they are being erased. As they get to the end, to the first memory, of when they met the memory begins with her saying "This is it. It's going to be gone soon. What do we do."
He responds "Enjoy it."
Not cling to it. Not worry about it. Not dwell on what we've lost or what could have been. But enjoy it. The here and now knowing it must end and not letting that ruin it. I just want to enjoy it.
We'll see.
Monday, July 7, 2008
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Be Satisfied.
From this point on I shoot without a script. See if anything comes of it.
I usually choose to keep my blog and my journal completely independent of one another but the other night I decided to go sit on the rocks and write and what turned out turned out to be something liked. So here it is:
Father, before time I was known and beloved, chosen for adoption through the blood of him who saves. In love I was knitted together within the womb. In sin and rebellion I came forth, with enmity your enemy. Still beloved I ran, distant I roamed, foolishly I resisted. Your grace turned my heart from the world, opened my eyes to you, and my need for more than stone and bone and flesh. Your grace came, irresistible, and called me home to you. You hammered out my imperfections in sweat and blood and tears. You tore my rotted heart out and replaced it with one that could once again beat, one that could love. Even as I forget, I grow restless, I wander off, you find me, carry me back to your flock in love. You hold me close and let me find rest. God, though the waves wash the rocks away I will stand firm on you who will not fade, will not be shaken. I will not be overwhelmed or ensnared, but I will seek you in all that I do, with all my life. I seek your ways, I seek your glory, that I may raise the banner high. Knowing I may surely perish but doing so willingly for the honor of the glory of Him who is my God and father as well as my Saviour. My hope and righteousness, my only peace. Lord, the world will pass, flesh will rot from our bones, and we will return to dust. But your glory, O God, is eternal.
Oh that my actions here, should oblivion take me the moment I leave the room, let me care not, but that my actions may echo in eternity for your glory, God let that be my aim, not to bring glory to me or to keep my memory alive, but Lord, to be sure everyone I meet remembers and knows you, whether I remain in their hearts or minds at all. God, let this take my heart. Change my heart to worry like this. Abandon all selfishness and self-seeking desires I have. But Lord, teach me to seek you, to love your word and your ways. Let all fears abandon me with your perfect love embracing me. Teach me to dwell and abide wholly in love and faith Lord, that all I do would be pure and glorifying, that I would never be able to contain your love for me and for all. God teach my lips to spread your word with my every action and every breath. God do not let me cling to anything but your grace. Let me forget names, places, and faces behind the glowing of your light. God, that you would be my most trusted and beloved companion. But Lord, teach me to love those you've blessed my life with. In thanks, let their presence bring me joy, but never be my source of it. Let their absence or abandonment or disappearance not shake me. God give me a heart like yours, to break for all those around me who are so lost. Father never let me grow stale or stagnant or apathetic. Lord let me be counted among the righteous who flourish like the mighty cedars of Lebanon, that are planted in your house, green, flourishing, and faithful to the end, declaring your name (Psalm 92). Father, take all of me and use it to serve you. Even unto death Lord, I am yours.
God, your glory shines around. The moon and stars arrive by night, crying out to show your glory and love. The waves sing hymns off the rocks as they crash, they raise a joyous tune in their ebb and flow. The wind sings through the trees, songs of your righteous deeds. The sunset illuminates the beauty of the God who came to save. The plants grow skyward, exalting you, raising their limbs to touch you. The sky spreads out over all creation showing the expanse of your glory and perfection. The lightning shines, illuminating your truth, the thunder rings echoes of your justice. Lord, the birds cry out for want of you. The creatures call out, proclaiming your provision. The ice crystallizes and reflects your glory. Fires rage, illuminating and burning with your passionate love for us. O God! Let me join in with creation to praise you! Lord in whatever way you desire let me fill it. Let my tears water your earth as my knees hit the floor. Let my blood be a testament to your sacrifice. Let my life join in with creation to bring you worship and praise. Father God, perfecter of love, God over all else, whom I love with all my heart, my whole life; Lord be glorified. In my life, be my life. Be glorified Lord. Every step, every breath, every beat of the heart, every instant, be glorified. Be glorified. This I beg. This I pray. Amen.
I usually choose to keep my blog and my journal completely independent of one another but the other night I decided to go sit on the rocks and write and what turned out turned out to be something liked. So here it is:
Father, before time I was known and beloved, chosen for adoption through the blood of him who saves. In love I was knitted together within the womb. In sin and rebellion I came forth, with enmity your enemy. Still beloved I ran, distant I roamed, foolishly I resisted. Your grace turned my heart from the world, opened my eyes to you, and my need for more than stone and bone and flesh. Your grace came, irresistible, and called me home to you. You hammered out my imperfections in sweat and blood and tears. You tore my rotted heart out and replaced it with one that could once again beat, one that could love. Even as I forget, I grow restless, I wander off, you find me, carry me back to your flock in love. You hold me close and let me find rest. God, though the waves wash the rocks away I will stand firm on you who will not fade, will not be shaken. I will not be overwhelmed or ensnared, but I will seek you in all that I do, with all my life. I seek your ways, I seek your glory, that I may raise the banner high. Knowing I may surely perish but doing so willingly for the honor of the glory of Him who is my God and father as well as my Saviour. My hope and righteousness, my only peace. Lord, the world will pass, flesh will rot from our bones, and we will return to dust. But your glory, O God, is eternal.
Oh that my actions here, should oblivion take me the moment I leave the room, let me care not, but that my actions may echo in eternity for your glory, God let that be my aim, not to bring glory to me or to keep my memory alive, but Lord, to be sure everyone I meet remembers and knows you, whether I remain in their hearts or minds at all. God, let this take my heart. Change my heart to worry like this. Abandon all selfishness and self-seeking desires I have. But Lord, teach me to seek you, to love your word and your ways. Let all fears abandon me with your perfect love embracing me. Teach me to dwell and abide wholly in love and faith Lord, that all I do would be pure and glorifying, that I would never be able to contain your love for me and for all. God teach my lips to spread your word with my every action and every breath. God do not let me cling to anything but your grace. Let me forget names, places, and faces behind the glowing of your light. God, that you would be my most trusted and beloved companion. But Lord, teach me to love those you've blessed my life with. In thanks, let their presence bring me joy, but never be my source of it. Let their absence or abandonment or disappearance not shake me. God give me a heart like yours, to break for all those around me who are so lost. Father never let me grow stale or stagnant or apathetic. Lord let me be counted among the righteous who flourish like the mighty cedars of Lebanon, that are planted in your house, green, flourishing, and faithful to the end, declaring your name (Psalm 92). Father, take all of me and use it to serve you. Even unto death Lord, I am yours.
God, your glory shines around. The moon and stars arrive by night, crying out to show your glory and love. The waves sing hymns off the rocks as they crash, they raise a joyous tune in their ebb and flow. The wind sings through the trees, songs of your righteous deeds. The sunset illuminates the beauty of the God who came to save. The plants grow skyward, exalting you, raising their limbs to touch you. The sky spreads out over all creation showing the expanse of your glory and perfection. The lightning shines, illuminating your truth, the thunder rings echoes of your justice. Lord, the birds cry out for want of you. The creatures call out, proclaiming your provision. The ice crystallizes and reflects your glory. Fires rage, illuminating and burning with your passionate love for us. O God! Let me join in with creation to praise you! Lord in whatever way you desire let me fill it. Let my tears water your earth as my knees hit the floor. Let my blood be a testament to your sacrifice. Let my life join in with creation to bring you worship and praise. Father God, perfecter of love, God over all else, whom I love with all my heart, my whole life; Lord be glorified. In my life, be my life. Be glorified Lord. Every step, every breath, every beat of the heart, every instant, be glorified. Be glorified. This I beg. This I pray. Amen.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
I Only Have One Week To Make You Mine
Things have been good, and by good I mean better, and by better I mean interesting and bordering on okay. That make sense?
In all honest things have been pretty good. The beginning to this week has been really good, very encouraging, and most important to me, my heart has been in a great place as I go out. Monday was probably the best day I have had on campus just in enthusiasm and love and overwhelming desire, and not surprisingly God used that. That has been really good. Personally things have been a mixed bag. I think I am figuring out that I hate the group. Individually I like everyone, in small groups there is no problem, but for some reason in a large gathering I just don't seem to be happy and get frustrated or bitter or something like that. I still want to leave, to go out and wander on my own. Perhaps I am just getting too attached. Who knows? Maybe I am just a big softie after all.
My new verse I am thinking on a lot is Colossians 3:12-14: "Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony."
So for those following along, the major theme on my heart this summer has been love, and really the importance of love above all things, and the reasons for it. This verse amazes me. As God's chosen we are told to have compassion, be kind, humble, meek, patient, and forgiving. Okay, when I look at this list it truly amazes me. These are big things. And yet we are told, ABOVE ALL THESE to put on love. Love is that big. And it isn't that the others don't matter. But love, perfect and true love, that is the only way we can have these things. You will not forgive without love. You will see no reason to be meek or humble if you do not have love. It binds everything together in perfect harmony. It is love. Something about that hits me really deep. I wonder if we can do anything at all out of some foreign emotion. Could I forgive simply out of obedience, because it is a command? Or must there be love? I am convinced that love is is the only thing that matters as far as motivation and action is concerned. But if we have love, then out of that an overflow will occur, and we will want to forgive, to be kind, to be humble, to lay down our rights and our lives for those around us, those we truly love. It is amazing, that love.
Okay, fun story for the day....I wore a traditional woman's headdress tonight for a long time. Yup. Can't wait til that picture makes Facebook.
Also, time is running out here. I am reminded of Ephesians telling us to make the best use of time because the days are evil. Now is crunch time. Prayer for us all, that we would keep running hard right up til the end would be appreciated. It would be far too easy to stop caring and trying and imagining being home. This is not what I want, so yeah, please be praying.
Goodnight all.
Until again.
In all honest things have been pretty good. The beginning to this week has been really good, very encouraging, and most important to me, my heart has been in a great place as I go out. Monday was probably the best day I have had on campus just in enthusiasm and love and overwhelming desire, and not surprisingly God used that. That has been really good. Personally things have been a mixed bag. I think I am figuring out that I hate the group. Individually I like everyone, in small groups there is no problem, but for some reason in a large gathering I just don't seem to be happy and get frustrated or bitter or something like that. I still want to leave, to go out and wander on my own. Perhaps I am just getting too attached. Who knows? Maybe I am just a big softie after all.
My new verse I am thinking on a lot is Colossians 3:12-14: "Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony."
So for those following along, the major theme on my heart this summer has been love, and really the importance of love above all things, and the reasons for it. This verse amazes me. As God's chosen we are told to have compassion, be kind, humble, meek, patient, and forgiving. Okay, when I look at this list it truly amazes me. These are big things. And yet we are told, ABOVE ALL THESE to put on love. Love is that big. And it isn't that the others don't matter. But love, perfect and true love, that is the only way we can have these things. You will not forgive without love. You will see no reason to be meek or humble if you do not have love. It binds everything together in perfect harmony. It is love. Something about that hits me really deep. I wonder if we can do anything at all out of some foreign emotion. Could I forgive simply out of obedience, because it is a command? Or must there be love? I am convinced that love is is the only thing that matters as far as motivation and action is concerned. But if we have love, then out of that an overflow will occur, and we will want to forgive, to be kind, to be humble, to lay down our rights and our lives for those around us, those we truly love. It is amazing, that love.
Okay, fun story for the day....I wore a traditional woman's headdress tonight for a long time. Yup. Can't wait til that picture makes Facebook.
Also, time is running out here. I am reminded of Ephesians telling us to make the best use of time because the days are evil. Now is crunch time. Prayer for us all, that we would keep running hard right up til the end would be appreciated. It would be far too easy to stop caring and trying and imagining being home. This is not what I want, so yeah, please be praying.
Goodnight all.
Until again.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Rythmic, Like A Beating Heart
I feel at a loss for words. Not words really, but meaningful words. And of course this may only apply to speaking as in my head and commiserating with the keyboard I seem to have no trouble putting out there what is in my head. So often I wonder if I am the only person who thinks the way I do or about the things that I do. I pray for the sake of everyone else that I really am, because the things that happen inside my head I wish on no one.
Quick aside, I went to a dive bar last night and saw a sweet band. It was great...didn't get to stay for the whole set which was admittedly not fun, but it was good and the smell of cigarettes and beer mixed with loud music and a glorious few moments of complete absence of thought was much needed and a great joy to find. Felt like being home. I think that if you would like to you could find out a lot about me by analyzing this. Feel free, I do it all them time, perhaps we'll compare notes at some point.
So these self-destructive tendencies keep coming back. I am nearly convinced now that I am never happy being happy, and that should things be trending there I must, by some complex, sad, and twisted necessity within me ruin them. Perhaps I prefer to validate my existence with feelings of mourning or simple self-pity....that's probably it. Like those odd times I think to myself "I haven't bled in a while, I wonder if I still remember how," and then debate the potential significance of that thought. But here I am again attempting to isolate myself from feeling, feeling much like I did not too long ago as I was on my last self-destructive tirade. I do not like this, of course, in fact I dare say I hate it, but I can't seem to help myself.
I have a new working theory on something I have thought about before. The sentence I resonate with which says "I hate the people who love me and they hate me." Reflecting on love so deeply for the last month I am wondering about this. The people I love, sometimes I feel contempt for them. Why? Is it that I do not truly love them? I am wondering in perhaps it is the opposite, that I love them too much. There are times where we must lay down our freedoms, the things we truly want, for the ones we love, to make them feel comfortable or ensure their conscience is clear. The problem with this, if you have the problems in life I do, is that I have very little faith in people. I assume the worst. So say someone knows I love them. Then if they ask something of me that they know I will do out of love for them, my first instinct feels like I am being used or manipulated. I know this is stupid, because those I love I assume also hold me in a position of, if not love, then at least general positive feeling, and so they probably would not knowingly do this. But this is how my mind works (again, I hope I am alone in this as it is simply a miserable mindset to have). And so I feel neglected at times, used, etc. And I want to be angry, so I am. But I cannot really be mad at those I love, because I love them. This is the thing I am finding, that I am never really mad at them. I feel and fear I project that anger onto myself, thus angering me at me. Or to put it another way "I hate myself for hating myself just enough to love you" (Thanks Lisa). Sad? Probably. Twisted? Most likely. Tory? Completely.
I am trying my best here, with only a short time left, to ensure my heart is in the right place. Thinking a lot about the passage in Romans where it says "everything that does not proceed from faith is sin," and wondering exactly how much of my day that entails. Today I fear that was a lot. Going forward hopefully will be better. I don't know. We'll see. I know only that I want to serve, wherever, however, the most good can be done, I can be used the most for His glory.
I wrote a new poem today. It is definitely a reflection of my current mood, which is to say it is not bright nor cheery. Perhaps at some point I will post it somewhere.
I guess some days it just feels like the walls are closing in and you can't breathe. You need to get up, get out, and lose yourself. I'm attempting to isolate myself, I feel it, at least on certain levels, with certain people even. I hate this about myself. Maybe I am just tired. Maybe it is just too friggen hot out. Maybe I really have been trying my damndest and feeling, whether right or wrong, that it isn't good enough.
But I will have faith. I will try to be rooted in love in all I do. If I have to serve (metaphorically) bloodied and battered, bruised and beaten, teary-eyed and heavy-hearted I will give it all I have in serving. In the end I think that is all I can do. Give my all even knowing that will never be enough, but giving it in faith and in love.
Goodnight.
Until again.
Tory.
Quick aside, I went to a dive bar last night and saw a sweet band. It was great...didn't get to stay for the whole set which was admittedly not fun, but it was good and the smell of cigarettes and beer mixed with loud music and a glorious few moments of complete absence of thought was much needed and a great joy to find. Felt like being home. I think that if you would like to you could find out a lot about me by analyzing this. Feel free, I do it all them time, perhaps we'll compare notes at some point.
So these self-destructive tendencies keep coming back. I am nearly convinced now that I am never happy being happy, and that should things be trending there I must, by some complex, sad, and twisted necessity within me ruin them. Perhaps I prefer to validate my existence with feelings of mourning or simple self-pity....that's probably it. Like those odd times I think to myself "I haven't bled in a while, I wonder if I still remember how," and then debate the potential significance of that thought. But here I am again attempting to isolate myself from feeling, feeling much like I did not too long ago as I was on my last self-destructive tirade. I do not like this, of course, in fact I dare say I hate it, but I can't seem to help myself.
I have a new working theory on something I have thought about before. The sentence I resonate with which says "I hate the people who love me and they hate me." Reflecting on love so deeply for the last month I am wondering about this. The people I love, sometimes I feel contempt for them. Why? Is it that I do not truly love them? I am wondering in perhaps it is the opposite, that I love them too much. There are times where we must lay down our freedoms, the things we truly want, for the ones we love, to make them feel comfortable or ensure their conscience is clear. The problem with this, if you have the problems in life I do, is that I have very little faith in people. I assume the worst. So say someone knows I love them. Then if they ask something of me that they know I will do out of love for them, my first instinct feels like I am being used or manipulated. I know this is stupid, because those I love I assume also hold me in a position of, if not love, then at least general positive feeling, and so they probably would not knowingly do this. But this is how my mind works (again, I hope I am alone in this as it is simply a miserable mindset to have). And so I feel neglected at times, used, etc. And I want to be angry, so I am. But I cannot really be mad at those I love, because I love them. This is the thing I am finding, that I am never really mad at them. I feel and fear I project that anger onto myself, thus angering me at me. Or to put it another way "I hate myself for hating myself just enough to love you" (Thanks Lisa). Sad? Probably. Twisted? Most likely. Tory? Completely.
I am trying my best here, with only a short time left, to ensure my heart is in the right place. Thinking a lot about the passage in Romans where it says "everything that does not proceed from faith is sin," and wondering exactly how much of my day that entails. Today I fear that was a lot. Going forward hopefully will be better. I don't know. We'll see. I know only that I want to serve, wherever, however, the most good can be done, I can be used the most for His glory.
I wrote a new poem today. It is definitely a reflection of my current mood, which is to say it is not bright nor cheery. Perhaps at some point I will post it somewhere.
I guess some days it just feels like the walls are closing in and you can't breathe. You need to get up, get out, and lose yourself. I'm attempting to isolate myself, I feel it, at least on certain levels, with certain people even. I hate this about myself. Maybe I am just tired. Maybe it is just too friggen hot out. Maybe I really have been trying my damndest and feeling, whether right or wrong, that it isn't good enough.
But I will have faith. I will try to be rooted in love in all I do. If I have to serve (metaphorically) bloodied and battered, bruised and beaten, teary-eyed and heavy-hearted I will give it all I have in serving. In the end I think that is all I can do. Give my all even knowing that will never be enough, but giving it in faith and in love.
Goodnight.
Until again.
Tory.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Kids Next Door
So there is always a lot going on here. Turkey lost in the Euro Cup which was quite sad. They made a hell of a run though that I do not think anyone saw coming, and seeing as they are a young team it should be interesting going forward to see how they do in the World Cup in two years.
So things have been going a bit better, in an up and down sort of sense. I am learning a ton being here, whether it is about myself, and my heart, my ability to love, any sort of long-term calling, all of this, or whether it is something as simple as discovering I am capable of eating things I never thought I would (Like Turkish ravioli covered in yogurt and garlic sauce). But whatever is going on I know this is exactly where I was meant to be and I am learning exactly what God needs to teach me at this moment for moving forward.
Things have been tough, as I have outlined here before. The whole numbers and statistics thing is still difficult. We have been meeting with a lot of resistance lately, and that has been tough as days seem less productive, like there is very little coming from it. I know this is not true, at the very least I know it is us being faithful and doing what we are called to, so that is encouraging. But it is still hard. This is such a different thing than Indy CC or PCB which I am used to. This is intense labor that may not always end the way we would like. So this has been a challenge.
There are a few bright lights in this. Two friends I have met thus far, who we will call Tony and Herman though those very probably are not their real names. But pray for them all the same. They are the two people I have met here who I feel I have really connected with. We continue to see them and hang out, and I know I have no problems loving them, as I feel very strongly for them. I also sense that there is something being worked in their hearts. Please continue to be praying for them that they would be opened to the fullness of the truth. Reflecting today I thought of them and realized that if the only reason I have been here, faced struggles and pains, all that- if the only reason I came was to plant or water those seeds that would be more than enough. I know my heart is not perfect in love by any stretch of the imagination. But I know that I love these men and enjoy them and want to continue building relationships and friendships with them.
We are heading down to the wire. Two weeks left. Crazy. We are at a point now where we are more focusing on continuing relationships than building new ones. This is odd for me as I have only really connected with a few people. But at the same time this is the part I am most excited about. I feel that this is where the love will come in full. That this is where my heart needs to be.
One last prayer request to all you out there who still check this, and that is that I would no longer be divided. My heart may be tricking me on certain grounds. I am cautious to say the least but growing less so every day. And of course as my heart drifts between here and there and anywhere else my mind is prone to fall off track as well. This has made for some stress I would much rather live without. But what matters most is that I simply put all my focus back to God. To pour all I have into Him and let Him take care of all the rest. I have written before about being a poor kid with only a few fish, wanting to do some good. And how the only thing worth doing is to give it to Jesus and let Him work a miracle. This is what I need to remember and do again every day as I open my eyes. I am bad at this. I might be foolish enough to think I can somehow, on my own, make several fish stretch out forever. I cannot do this. Jesus can. If I would remember this it would be much better, so prayer on that would be sweet.
I miss you all.
Until again.
Tory
So things have been going a bit better, in an up and down sort of sense. I am learning a ton being here, whether it is about myself, and my heart, my ability to love, any sort of long-term calling, all of this, or whether it is something as simple as discovering I am capable of eating things I never thought I would (Like Turkish ravioli covered in yogurt and garlic sauce). But whatever is going on I know this is exactly where I was meant to be and I am learning exactly what God needs to teach me at this moment for moving forward.
Things have been tough, as I have outlined here before. The whole numbers and statistics thing is still difficult. We have been meeting with a lot of resistance lately, and that has been tough as days seem less productive, like there is very little coming from it. I know this is not true, at the very least I know it is us being faithful and doing what we are called to, so that is encouraging. But it is still hard. This is such a different thing than Indy CC or PCB which I am used to. This is intense labor that may not always end the way we would like. So this has been a challenge.
There are a few bright lights in this. Two friends I have met thus far, who we will call Tony and Herman though those very probably are not their real names. But pray for them all the same. They are the two people I have met here who I feel I have really connected with. We continue to see them and hang out, and I know I have no problems loving them, as I feel very strongly for them. I also sense that there is something being worked in their hearts. Please continue to be praying for them that they would be opened to the fullness of the truth. Reflecting today I thought of them and realized that if the only reason I have been here, faced struggles and pains, all that- if the only reason I came was to plant or water those seeds that would be more than enough. I know my heart is not perfect in love by any stretch of the imagination. But I know that I love these men and enjoy them and want to continue building relationships and friendships with them.
We are heading down to the wire. Two weeks left. Crazy. We are at a point now where we are more focusing on continuing relationships than building new ones. This is odd for me as I have only really connected with a few people. But at the same time this is the part I am most excited about. I feel that this is where the love will come in full. That this is where my heart needs to be.
One last prayer request to all you out there who still check this, and that is that I would no longer be divided. My heart may be tricking me on certain grounds. I am cautious to say the least but growing less so every day. And of course as my heart drifts between here and there and anywhere else my mind is prone to fall off track as well. This has made for some stress I would much rather live without. But what matters most is that I simply put all my focus back to God. To pour all I have into Him and let Him take care of all the rest. I have written before about being a poor kid with only a few fish, wanting to do some good. And how the only thing worth doing is to give it to Jesus and let Him work a miracle. This is what I need to remember and do again every day as I open my eyes. I am bad at this. I might be foolish enough to think I can somehow, on my own, make several fish stretch out forever. I cannot do this. Jesus can. If I would remember this it would be much better, so prayer on that would be sweet.
I miss you all.
Until again.
Tory
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Truth
If you get a chance, try and find highlights of the Eurocup game between Turkey and Croatia. It is amazing. Something that was surely an experience to watch in a small town square with a city of Turks. Amazing.
So, most things I have been posting have been quite positive. I have purposely avoided posting anything negative. However this is supposed to be a somewhat realistic portrayal of my time here and it is not always ups. So there we go.
I cannot stay put. I realize this often. It takes about three or four weeks, then I get the urge to up and leave. I have never really understood why, but the more I live the more it seems that that is about the amount of time it takes me to make a mess of everything, and once all is a mess I want a way out; away from the reminders of my pathetic shortcomings, failures, and ineptitude. So my wanderlust kicks in.
I feel like a mess most of the time right now. My heart feels off. I cannot figure it out. I felt pulled apart, in several directions at once, now they all seem empty, dead ends. My quest here has been a desperate struggle to love. As we are commanded, to love God and love thy neighbor. But somewhere in there you have to learn to love yourself and I am a miserable case at that so often. I mess up, my heart wanders, and then I want nothing more than to give up, to quit, to run. And then I pick myself apart, finding so many faults it seems impossible that anything good could be in me at all. It is sad and more than a bit pathetic, as always.
I fear I suck at this. Trying to spread love and spread truth I don't understand, don't utilize or recognize. I make myself a hypocrite. I try, I do, but too often I find I have too little faith. I have not love. I find I am nothing, doing nothing, gaining nothing. And I know where I will end up on this circular road. Last night I had a desire to self-destruct in some form. I wanted to ruin something. My heart doesn't really know what it wants to do or where it wants to go. My head and my flesh tirelessly attempt to plot my destruction at every opportunity. My soul...my soul feels void, which is the overarching problem in all this.
Be thou my vision O Lord of my heart, naught be all else to me save that thou art. I desire this so much, this hymn which has become my constant prayer. Naught be all else to me save that thou art. Let all else mean nothing to me, become rubbish, so long as I know that God is. Save that thou art, that's all. Just that thou art. And God has made Himself known so much more than that. But if I knew nothing, save that thou art! Oh that is my desire. Be thou my vision, my wisdom, my true word. Lord save me from me, the sin within me, and the attacks that plague me. These present sufferings are nothing.
God has called me to here, so I long to serve with joy, thanksgiving, and above all, with love. Hope, faith, and love, these three remain. These three I want. And all else, let it be nothing.
If there is one silver lining it is this. More and more I come to recognize these things about myself. I see my desire to self-destruct and occasionally resist doing it. I am learning, inch by inch how to not be an idiot. Sometimes I fail, the end of the school year comes to mind as I somewhat destructed. But God is faithful. I know He is with me even when I am stupid. He loves me and cares for me. I know this, and more and more I feel it. And maybe I do suck at this. Maybe I suck at everything. But I think that, at the very least, since I am trying my best (although I am never sure if it is my best or not), I may not suck at trying, and that is something. If that makes sense, then good. If not, try reading it again :)
I love you all.
Until again.
So, most things I have been posting have been quite positive. I have purposely avoided posting anything negative. However this is supposed to be a somewhat realistic portrayal of my time here and it is not always ups. So there we go.
I cannot stay put. I realize this often. It takes about three or four weeks, then I get the urge to up and leave. I have never really understood why, but the more I live the more it seems that that is about the amount of time it takes me to make a mess of everything, and once all is a mess I want a way out; away from the reminders of my pathetic shortcomings, failures, and ineptitude. So my wanderlust kicks in.
I feel like a mess most of the time right now. My heart feels off. I cannot figure it out. I felt pulled apart, in several directions at once, now they all seem empty, dead ends. My quest here has been a desperate struggle to love. As we are commanded, to love God and love thy neighbor. But somewhere in there you have to learn to love yourself and I am a miserable case at that so often. I mess up, my heart wanders, and then I want nothing more than to give up, to quit, to run. And then I pick myself apart, finding so many faults it seems impossible that anything good could be in me at all. It is sad and more than a bit pathetic, as always.
I fear I suck at this. Trying to spread love and spread truth I don't understand, don't utilize or recognize. I make myself a hypocrite. I try, I do, but too often I find I have too little faith. I have not love. I find I am nothing, doing nothing, gaining nothing. And I know where I will end up on this circular road. Last night I had a desire to self-destruct in some form. I wanted to ruin something. My heart doesn't really know what it wants to do or where it wants to go. My head and my flesh tirelessly attempt to plot my destruction at every opportunity. My soul...my soul feels void, which is the overarching problem in all this.
Be thou my vision O Lord of my heart, naught be all else to me save that thou art. I desire this so much, this hymn which has become my constant prayer. Naught be all else to me save that thou art. Let all else mean nothing to me, become rubbish, so long as I know that God is. Save that thou art, that's all. Just that thou art. And God has made Himself known so much more than that. But if I knew nothing, save that thou art! Oh that is my desire. Be thou my vision, my wisdom, my true word. Lord save me from me, the sin within me, and the attacks that plague me. These present sufferings are nothing.
God has called me to here, so I long to serve with joy, thanksgiving, and above all, with love. Hope, faith, and love, these three remain. These three I want. And all else, let it be nothing.
If there is one silver lining it is this. More and more I come to recognize these things about myself. I see my desire to self-destruct and occasionally resist doing it. I am learning, inch by inch how to not be an idiot. Sometimes I fail, the end of the school year comes to mind as I somewhat destructed. But God is faithful. I know He is with me even when I am stupid. He loves me and cares for me. I know this, and more and more I feel it. And maybe I do suck at this. Maybe I suck at everything. But I think that, at the very least, since I am trying my best (although I am never sure if it is my best or not), I may not suck at trying, and that is something. If that makes sense, then good. If not, try reading it again :)
I love you all.
Until again.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Some
I don't know if any of y'all follow soccer. But it is Euro Cup time in Europe. Turkey is in and last weekend they had an incredible win over Czech Republic, scoring 3 goals in something like 16 minutes. Now they are in the quarterfinals. But you have never seen such joy. People were in the streets honking and chanting for hours. It was amazing. Here's hoping they can beat Croatia.
"For though I am free from all, I have made myself a servant to all, that I might win more of them....I have become all things to all people, that by all means I might save some." 1 Corinthians 9: 19-22
I shortened that due to time constraints. But I love those verses. Especially here, especially now. "I have become all things to all people, that by all means I might save SOME." Save some. I once heard a story of a man who spent something like 60 years in the far east. In that time he saw one person come to Christ. He said he would do it again, for the one man. When I heard that story it stirred something in my heart. I want to be like that. I want my heart to be like that. I want to become all things to all people, becoming a servant to all, that by doing so, by becoming a servant, some might be saved. Not everyone. I would love it if that were the case, don't get me wrong, that would be amazing, but of course that is not going to be the case. We are spreading the fragrance of Christ, and that smells of death to some.
Patience has never been my strong suit. When we continue to work and see no fruit or very little it gets frustrating. There is the parable of the seed sower, he went out and threw seed everywhere. It feels like here there are only rocks and thorns. Sure, we have taken the first step, we went out and threw, but nothing seems to happen. In the words of Tom Petty "Some times I get down to the end of the day and stop, ask myself why I done it. You know it just seems so empty to have to work so hard and nothing ever really seems to come from it." But of course I know this is not the case. It is not empty and it is not fruitless. Romans says "For everyone who calls upon the name of the Lord will be saved. But how are they to call on him in whom they have not believed? And how are they to believe in him of whom they have not never heard? And how are they to hear without someone preaching?" And that is all it is. As Paul says in 1 Corinthians: "For Christ did not send me to baptize but to preach the gospel, and not with words of eloquent wisdom, lest the cross be emptied of its power."
Perhaps this is one reason I am feeling the way I feel at times. Emptying the cross of its power by trying to find some eloquent words.
It is hard for me because so often what I am doing, at the end of the day, is reduced to statistics and probabilities. The rationale behind this has been explained to me, and I see some validity in it, but when I stop and think I realize how hard it is to love a number or a percentage. While my heart desires to do nothing without love it feels as though love is becoming harder and harder to come by as so many days pass of throwing seed into what seems like thorns and rocks. But I am here, and that is what matters I think. Seed being scattered, if that is my only role in all of this then that is enough. I, when I was deciding to come here, prayed to God and told Him I would gladly toil in anonymity if that was where I would best be used. So if I never see fruit or harvest time, if every day for the next 4 weeks is scattering seed and moving on, waiting and praying for the power of the cross to sprout something, waiting for that aroma to smell of life to someone, if that is my calling then so be it.
I am learning more and more that I have no control. That is evident in a very practical sense when I am in a culture I do not know, a place I do not know, with a language I do not speak. It humbles me and makes me recognize that so often I like to know everything, to find comfort in that. But God is still a mystery. His plans, they are hidden from my eyes, and I am thankful for that. All I can do is lean on him and know He is good.
Until again.
-Tory
"For though I am free from all, I have made myself a servant to all, that I might win more of them....I have become all things to all people, that by all means I might save some." 1 Corinthians 9: 19-22
I shortened that due to time constraints. But I love those verses. Especially here, especially now. "I have become all things to all people, that by all means I might save SOME." Save some. I once heard a story of a man who spent something like 60 years in the far east. In that time he saw one person come to Christ. He said he would do it again, for the one man. When I heard that story it stirred something in my heart. I want to be like that. I want my heart to be like that. I want to become all things to all people, becoming a servant to all, that by doing so, by becoming a servant, some might be saved. Not everyone. I would love it if that were the case, don't get me wrong, that would be amazing, but of course that is not going to be the case. We are spreading the fragrance of Christ, and that smells of death to some.
Patience has never been my strong suit. When we continue to work and see no fruit or very little it gets frustrating. There is the parable of the seed sower, he went out and threw seed everywhere. It feels like here there are only rocks and thorns. Sure, we have taken the first step, we went out and threw, but nothing seems to happen. In the words of Tom Petty "Some times I get down to the end of the day and stop, ask myself why I done it. You know it just seems so empty to have to work so hard and nothing ever really seems to come from it." But of course I know this is not the case. It is not empty and it is not fruitless. Romans says "For everyone who calls upon the name of the Lord will be saved. But how are they to call on him in whom they have not believed? And how are they to believe in him of whom they have not never heard? And how are they to hear without someone preaching?" And that is all it is. As Paul says in 1 Corinthians: "For Christ did not send me to baptize but to preach the gospel, and not with words of eloquent wisdom, lest the cross be emptied of its power."
Perhaps this is one reason I am feeling the way I feel at times. Emptying the cross of its power by trying to find some eloquent words.
It is hard for me because so often what I am doing, at the end of the day, is reduced to statistics and probabilities. The rationale behind this has been explained to me, and I see some validity in it, but when I stop and think I realize how hard it is to love a number or a percentage. While my heart desires to do nothing without love it feels as though love is becoming harder and harder to come by as so many days pass of throwing seed into what seems like thorns and rocks. But I am here, and that is what matters I think. Seed being scattered, if that is my only role in all of this then that is enough. I, when I was deciding to come here, prayed to God and told Him I would gladly toil in anonymity if that was where I would best be used. So if I never see fruit or harvest time, if every day for the next 4 weeks is scattering seed and moving on, waiting and praying for the power of the cross to sprout something, waiting for that aroma to smell of life to someone, if that is my calling then so be it.
I am learning more and more that I have no control. That is evident in a very practical sense when I am in a culture I do not know, a place I do not know, with a language I do not speak. It humbles me and makes me recognize that so often I like to know everything, to find comfort in that. But God is still a mystery. His plans, they are hidden from my eyes, and I am thankful for that. All I can do is lean on him and know He is good.
Until again.
-Tory
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